BFN.
I really really really believed that we o'ed late on our due date because God was going to bless us. As much as I knew I shouldn't let myself go there, I did a massive trust fall with God. I hit the ground hard, so hard that I really question his existence. I am rather distraught. And extremely disappointed. Since my miscarriage in August, we've only done 2 transfers. We're about to hit April and we've only done two transfers. My next transfer will not be until June. Wtf?! So in 8 months, I've only had 2 chances to get pregnant and neither worked. It's been nothing but break after break after break. My fucking body isn't cooperating. I have to track cycles because I have to go in to check my uterus because of the fluid. Wtf is wrong with me?! I feel so betrayed by my body, by God. I'm coming up on my 32nd birthday, and still no baby. Coming up to 5 years of trying, and still no baby. I'm severely depressed, I'm overweight. That's all I have to show for it. Why? Why? There's no reason for this anymore.
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I decided to test today, half thinking I might have a miracle. BFN. Of course. Idk why I ever think it will ever be any different.
I decided that if this cycle failed, it will just be proving to me that God doesn't exist, that or he's a complete asshole. I o'ed a few days later on my due date, and AF is due on Easter. Why do I ever put myself thru hell, or allow myself to feel any little ounce of hope?! Why?!? I've gotten nothing but cramps since I ovulated, which is very concerning; I actually expected there to be a 💩 ton of fluid in my uterus at yesterday's check. I'm still rather shocked there isn't.
I've decided to embrace my time off till June. I'm focusing on losing weight, figuring out how to destress, eating very very clean. I am starting to think my weight gain might have something to do with the failed transfers. I really want to try to get myself together before then to ensure everything goes well. I've also been thinking I might ask the doc if I can do a fresh cycle before they transfer the embryos and have those tested. If the transfer is successful then at least I can have embryos on ice for a sibling, and if it fails, at least I can transfer soon after. Idk, we'll see. I'm going to try to look at this very positively. I'm just hoping we have a THB soon. This is enough already. Tbh, part of me is still really hoping ovulating on my due date and being slated to get AF on Easter is like a sign this might've worked, but of course, I know better than to really let myself go there. 😔 I go into my doctor today to check for fluid again.
I've decided to just hold off for a June transfer even if things are clear. Idk. I'm torn. There's benefits to doing it now or waiting till June. I guess I'll see what happens after I see the Doctor. Update: I have less fluid. I have to go in next cycle to check again about the same time, then transfer in June (bc May is pretty much impossible as a teacher). No BCP. It appears there is fluid, I need to go back Saturday.
If there is still fluid, I need to go on birth control to reset my hormones for either one or two months. Update soon. DH and I spent some time last night discussing our personal options and game plan. I always feel like it's a mixed bag of emotions for multiple reasons; on one hand it's really great to have a plan in place, on the other, it seems final in many ways.
Our plan is as follows:
The question is, do we start the embryo adoption process now? I'm not sure how long the entire process takes. Perhaps we wait until steps one and two are complete. I don't know. I guess I'll just do more research until then. What I know, I cannot endure another miscarriage before having a THB. I think I could if we had a living child already, but not when we're still going for one. I know with complete certainty that enduring one before we take one home will just completely destroy me. At times, I don't even want to try anymore because I can't face another miscarriage. I don't feel DH can endure another miscarriage, it put us both into such a dark place, I don't want to know what another one would do to us. That title was smart impossible to type. It's sometimes hard to realize that even tho you've lost your baby, you're still a mother, just in a different capacity. We've survived the due date, now I begin dreading Mother's Day.
Just some stuff I found around the web: Today was my due date. I should've been welcoming my baby into the world today, holding my baby for the first time, feeling that true unconditional love that only a mother can feel. Instead, I'm left with pain, heartbreak, an empty womb, an empty room, just emptiness.
I now hate St Patrick's Day. I used to love it bc it was my first date with DH, so when we found out we were due on St Patrick's Day we were over the moon! It felt like that was such a lucky, happy day for us. Fast forward to now, I hate today. I have never hated a day so much in my life. Every time I see a shamrock, leprechaun, rainbow, or any other thing, I want to break it, crush it, punch it. I hate seeing St Patty's Day shit, with such a heated passion. I come to this day so incredible empty, not even a rainbow baby growing in me. Instead, I am ovulating, and I only know bc I had to track it to go back to the doc Monday. So, I'm ovulating on my due date, and slated to get my period on Easter. God is either going to give us an amazing miracle, or is one sadistic bastard. As much as I want to hope for a miracle, I know better. I know that in 4.5 years, we've only been pregnant twice. And one of them was from ivf, the other, a chemical pregnancy right after my mc. I haven't been pregnant since via either of the two ET (embryo transfer), or naturally of the 4 other cycles. I just really need a miracle. I'm so angry with God that I haven't even prayed in a few weeks. I'm just so angry with him. I don't get why he's put us thru all this. I feel like I've learned to be patient, I've learned to make sacrifices, I've learned the pain of loss, I've learned how horrible it is to feel jealousy and deep set anger, I've learned the lengths you'll go to to achieve what you want. I've learned that I know I cannot live without a child, I've learned who my true friends are. I've learned that this is such a horrible disease and that we are always looking for hope, I've learned to be thankful for what I do have, I've learned to be mindful of others. I've learned the true meaning of Socrates: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle". I honestly don't know what else I can learn from this, and this isn't a challenge to make me learn more. I've learned a lot. I never understood being jealous of others, or panic (after a loss) - having dealt with IF for so long, my attitude was: 'at least you know you can get pregnant. Well, after my mc it was like OK lesson learned. I get it, I get it karma, I learned my lessons. I've learned to be patient due to all the set backs. At first I may be upset, but I go OK, it's for a reason; however, it doesn't make that down time any easier. I know that if we transferred the embryos last cycle, we likely would've lost them due to the fluid. I know these are the best embryos we've ever had, I hope they are our THB. But that downtime between doesn't feel any easier. You feel stagnated. Like I know it's near impossible to get pregnant in my own. 1 chemical pregnancy in 55 cycles proves that; my odds with ivf are better as I've had 1 pregnancy in 5 transfers. I had my 1st pregnancy on the 3rd transfer. I actually don't feel I can count the FETs as a transfer bc of how bad the medication messed with my body - ibs flare up cannot be conducive to a transfer, AND my transfers were on the traumatic side; so I'm reality, I had 1 pregnancy in 3 fresh transfers on the 2nd fresh transfer. 🤷♀️ To close out, I finally watched the movie One More Shot on Netflix. I would say I recommend it, it gave me hope, but it wrecked DH. He was so angry and hurt after it. So maybe I don't recommend it. I'll update once I have my appt Monday. It appears I'm surging today. Which means I go to doc on Monday.
I feel like lately my posts sound whiney and rant-y. I am sorry, but I just can't seem to help it right now. I am so sick of IF. I cannot handle it gracefully anymore. I'm trying to get help, but things aren't currently working. I'm currently at a crossroads. I'm trying to decide if I can keep going after/if the next transfer with our remaining two embryos fails. I'm really unsure what I feel right now. I'm trying really hard to decide what to do. I'm really not OK emotionally or mentally. I'm severely depressed (I will spare the details). The fact we've only had two transfers since the mc is putting me over the edge, I've already accepted the fact that I cannot conceive on my own (thank you doc who did my LEEP), and only having 2 shots at conceiving in 6 months is beyond frustrating. I'm not sure if this is the culprit, or the fact that I'm at the due date and have no pregnancy, or just a combo of the two that is making me so horribly depressed. I honestly do not know if I can keep going. I just don't get why we aren't pregnant and why we have losses a top of infertility. It's not fair. Not at all. I'm likely not even going back to visit my father on his 60th because I cannot handle seeing everyone's "accidental" children. I can't handle it, I really can't. I have avoided all my old friends like the plague. I cannot handle one more pregnancy announcement. It is so fucking unfair. Why do they get to have children and I don't? Why do they get to still enjoy sex and I don't? Why? Why are they able to enjoy their marriage and I can't anymore? Why? Idk if I can do this anymore. I find myself falling into such a deep dark place, I don't know if I can keep going. I think I'm going to take a break from blogging, a break from forums, just a break. I'll likely update what happens at the doc, but aside from that, I think I need a break. I'm pretty much just waiting to surge. Likely today or tomorrow.
Man am I just tired. I feel like all the sleepless nights have caught up to me and I'm beat. I just want the next two months of school to breeze by fast as can be. I'm ready for June. Actually, who are we kidding, I want the time between us not having a baby and having a baby to fly by. I'm really sick of this whole thing and I'm hitting my threshold of where I'm ready to walk away. I know in doing that, I'll likely never go home to visit anyone bc I don't want to be around children. It's horrible. I'm really sad bc my baby was due this week. I'm so angry that I don't get to have my baby, it hurts so much, so much more than I could ever imagine. And no one gets it. No one. I'm so completely alone and I just hurt so deeply and no one can comprehend it. I just want to run away from life. I never in a million years thought we'd not be pregnant again by our due date. The fact we aren't is such a slap in the face. I'm angry with God, I'm betrayed by my body, I don't think I have anymore hope or faith left. I'm completely wrung dry. We cannot afford a gestational carrier, and I cannot keep doing cycle after cycle while I'm working. It's too much. I'm dreading doing the PGS, I'm scared they'll all come back normal or abnormal. I'm just full of fear and dread. I don't know what the answer is. I just don't know. I guess time will tell. I think it's time for us to start exploring other options. Or a major vacation. I think I really need one of those. |
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November 2019
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