We have officially hit double digits!!
This is ridiculously exciting. So, I'm still not in work, which helps manage my stress and anxiety levels a lot. I began my work with a spiritual life coach, and I got to see my little peanut a couple days ago at my RE (9w4d). Everyone in the room was so happy. My doctor was happy, the nurses were happy, my husband shed a tear, and I almost balled on the table. Baby was moving its little arms and legs like crazy! I go back to him on the 10th of May, and back to my Obgyn on May 1st. I'm finally becoming much more relaxed and hopeful with this pregnancy. As far as symptoms go, I guess it's around the same. Things are always on and off. Some are slightly more consistent, some went away and made a full blown reappearance. Symptoms:
I just keep praying everyday this little one comes home. 🙏
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Kind of crazy that we're here! Today marks 9 weeks.
So, despite my constant freak outs over the spotting, baby has been well. Growth and heart rate have all been great. I hope this continues. What's nice is, in 4 weeks, we're out of first trimester hell. And I cannot wait until that moment. I have a countdown (28 days!!) for it, I'm also constantly checking the miscarriage rate reassurer page every day. At 9 weeks, my chance of taking baby home is 96.5%, according to that site. I've already read that if a FHR is detected at 8 weeks, it's 98%. So both are great stats and I'm finding I am starting to be a bit more hopeful and relaxed. I have quite a ways until my next appointment. I have 8 more days until I see my RE for an ultrasound - this feels like forever. I'll be 10w1d then! Which is really exciting. I've been out of work until further notice because it's just put too much on my body. I was getting really stressed, and honestly, the kids were getting overly aggravating. It's been nice not having anyone up my ass for the last few days. Symptoms:
8 more days until we see our little peanut. Please time fly by fast!! 🙏 I went to the doctor yesterday because of the increase in spotting. It's brown which is always a good thing.
Everything was fine. Baby is fine. Baby is measuring right on track (8w3d) with a heart rate of 178!! To say I was relieved is an understatement. I have finally just accepted that spotting is going to be my jam, probably for the rest of this trimester. Doctor looked all over for a reason for spotting - no sch, nothing at all. He said I'm probably just going to spot. I don't go back to him for 2 weeks. Which, if I think he was concerned, we'd be in sooner. So that's good. Now to keep occupied until I go back to my RE on the 27th.... I just keep spotting. Every day, throughout the day, there's every shade of brown known to mankind. Why?
I feel like the moment I begin to feel "safe", I start to spot again, or the consistency and/or volume changes. I know that at this point, it's over 95% this baby comes home, but I also know that for 5%, there's a 100% chance baby doesn't come home. I don't know what keeps causing this spotting. My doctor has said it's normal and everything looks good, he said it may increase around 8-9 weeks because of the placenta implanting, but that doesn't change how frightening it is to see spotting. I feel like it's at its worse when I wake up. When I wake up, I feel like I see the most, not sure if it's because it pools overnight? But like shit, I really want this to stop. I've been terrified most of this pregnancy, and a lot of it is a direct result from spotting. I know that when we go to the doctor Wednesday (tho I may try to get in earlier) and the baby is still there and has a heartbeat, chances are 98% this baby goes home, at 10 weeks it's at 99.4% and that is with women with recurrent pregnancy loss. From what I've read, it appears the bulk of miscarriages are from between 6-8 weeks though many aren't discovered until 10-12 weeks; however, baby measures 6-8 weeks. So as long as someone is still in there when I go in, chances are they're coming home. So I really just need to get thru these next couple days until I can go in. 🙏🙏🙏 Today, I am 8 weeks. This is the second time I've hit 8 weeks, but unlike last time, I have been measuring on/above target.
I feel calm. I went on Tuesday back into the doctor because of the spotting and cramping. Everything was fine. Baby was fine, heart rate at 162. I went to my RE on Wednesday, instead of waiting till Saturday, had the LIT done, and I go back to him the 27th for an ultrasound. He had us meet his wife! I think they might like us haha. Anyway, the spotting is so unnerving, I have started to accept this is likely my pregnancy. It's scary, but I guess it's my new normal. My Obgyn suggested two things: 1. we see him once a week to put me at ease, 2. go out of work. I initially agreed to the first, and have since agreed to the second. For whatever reason, the spotting becomes scarier at work, I guess because on some level, I'm trapped. I can't get into bed and get my feet up and wait for it to stop, all I can do is count down the hours until I can go home and do that. It isn't fair to myself or my baby. It adds unnecessary fear and anxiety. So until I feel like I'm ok, it's best to be home and rest. As far as symptoms go:
That's all for now, I go back to my doctor Wednesday. Hoping my that baby is growing and healthy. On Wednesday we'll be 8+5. Please God let this be our rainbow. 🙏 🌈 I'm 7+3, but honestly, I'm scared out of my mind.
Yesterday, I felt constant pain in my cervix, then by the end of the night, my boobs felt completely normal and my nausea had dissipated. Not to mention I woke up to quite a bit of spotting (hoping that's just from the fact that the doc swabbed my cervix on Friday afternoon), and a low grade fever later in the day. To say I hate this, is such an understatement. I'm terrified. I'm so terrified that my baby's heart will (or has) ceased by Saturday when we go back to my RE. Being pregnant after a loss, has you in high drive fear overdrive. You just fear losing your rainbow, no matter how great things look. You count down until scans, you panic if your symptoms fluctuate. It is downright scary. I feel like this constant state of fear will let up when we can use the Doppler at home in a few weeks. At least you can check in when you're starting to freak out. And then I'm sure more reassurance comes when you feel baby moving. I want this baby so bad, and I want it healthy. I want it home. Strange title, I know, but I had zero idea as to what to title this particular post.
So yesterday (7 weeks), I was at work. I was getting super bad cramps (very similar to my AF), which made me a little nervous. Finally I get to go to the restroom, and I have brown tinged discharge. Now I panic. I call my doctor immediately, nurse says to come in for a check. I leave (after getting push back from admin, like bitch, tthis is a damn emergency), rush to my doctor's office - albeit, I feel really calm, still just like wtf. So, I'm sitting there trying to decide if I'm supposed to really prep myself for the worse outcome, alone because DH couldn't leave work, I resigned myself to feeling that everything was OK, but this spotting is just really freaking me out. Turns out, everything was in fact OK. My cervix is closed, no blood, it's old blood - doc said it's likely left over from implantation. OK cool. Then he checks on the baby, baby is perfectly fine. Baby is measuring ahead two days and the heart rate is up to 140! I breathed such a sigh of relief. After I got home, I realized that the last time I was pregnant, at 8w1d (but measuring 7w2d), there was something clearly off in the ultrasound, this time (knock on wood), everything looked entirely normal. I think I even saw little nubs sticking out (maybe - I'm blind as a bat). I feel such a sense of relief and sense that it really is going to all be OK. This is the first time I have ever felt this way. We might actually get to take this baby home. As long as the next scan looks good, I'll be golden. Right now, I'm taking this as a small victory. 😊 🙏 🌈 Today is 7 weeks.
Today I woke up with brown tinged discharge. Of course I'm unnerved. I know from the doctor it's likely normal, but it is still terrifying. I hate seeing any discoloration. Aside from that, not much has changed with my symptoms except for the dizziness not being as prevalent thanks to iron supplementation. So that's good. I can drive without fear. As far as assumptions go:
I won't get to see my baby for over a week - which of course is scary. I want to know baby is good and heart rate is strong and babe is growing. While fear has me worried I'll get to my next appointment to have no more heartbeat, somehow, some way, I feel like I know there will be. I am terrified. I just want to fast forward to our next appt and see a healthy baby that is on target with a super strong heart beat. Please God, let this be our rainbow. Let this be the little embryo that could. 🙏🙏🙏 I go into my OBGYN today, it's my follow up from last week, and naturally, I am nervous. I just so badly want this and so badly want only good news. My last pregnancy, we actually measured 6 days behind, so as long as well are on (or above) target and with a heart rate of over 120, I think I will be able to breathe slightly. The last visit was promising and my levels rose, so that's good. I know it will be a few visits, weeks, and sonograms before I feel relaxed and start to actually enjoy the pregnancy. I just know how fast everything can be ripped from you in a moments notice. It's terrible. I just keep praying and hoping for a good outcome this time.
I have so many questions for my doctor today. So hoping that I can get all of those answered. I have been out of work for a week because of the dizziness and the spotting, hoping it is all well in there. Even though I have been out, I have still be working pretty hard on things at home for work. It is the time where we submit all our things for IB to be moderated. Until after I go in today. 🙏 UPDATE: We got to see our little baby!! Baby is measuring right on target, heart rate was 122, doc said it's a little lower than he'd like to see BUT on par with the gestational age. We go back in in two weeks to see baby again. So then I'd be 8 weeks 5 days. From what I've read anything over 120 is excellent. My fertility specialist agreed to move our appt out till next Saturday the 13th, as we'll need the LIT then. I told him the stats and sent the ultrasound, he said it's perfect and congratulations. I'm starting to feel hopeful, and after we get thru the next 2-3 weeks I'll feel really good. ☺️ |
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November 2019
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