I ended up ovulating yesterday, positive Opk on CD 10 - in other words, ridiculously early. We decided against using the mosie baby thing due to the scratch being at 6-7dpo and risk - essentially - having an abortion unintentionally. I'm hoping that I can now make the ivf cut off at my clinic. I still can't believe I O'ed early. I hope it's not an indicator of a problem, and just God's way of going - hey you can totally do ivf over winter break! Time will tell I suppose.
I have my scratch in a few days. I also am really working on my fitness level and my running is improving - thank god! I may not get my goal of 4 miles before ivf - hopefully I get to do ivf in Dec not Jan - but I might get to 3 😊
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I might be ovulating early, by 3 days. I'm not sure yet but the test was close to positive last night. I kind of do secretly hope it is early like this so we can possibly do ivf over iui. I haven't tested yet this morning. If I do ovulate early, this cycle will be a wash due to the scratch being about 7dpo and potentially aborting the baby. So I guess we won't be using the mosey baby thing this time around. I have a few questions and hopes of we do iui - like a double insemination, immune suppression, going for 3 eggs. I'm hoping the answers to all those are yes.
Last night we decorated for Christmas, let me tell you how hard these holidays are this year. It sucks. Royally. We were planning the pregnancy announcement for our Christmas cards, we were expecting to be very close to giving birth. This blows. DH was depressed, I'm trying so hard to make the best of it. It's getting harder to remain hopeful. Especially when your body fails you multiple times. There are days that I just want to give up, and there are days I try very hard to be hopeful and positive. I just sometimes cannot get this shit under control. I've decided to put a lot of my energy into exercising and losing some weight over the next few weeks. I have 7 days to the scratch. I know that helped immensely last time and I'm praying it helps immensely this time. I also really want twins at this point as I really don't want to go thru this again. I'm also considering a surrogate at this point. I'm not sure how many more ivf cycles we'll do with transferring into me. I'm also considering donor eggs. Anything to get us our THB. The only thing definitely not on the table is adoption. So minor updates:
I've been reading that letrozole causes birth defects, so I might suck it up and take the Clomid for the iui, but I really really hate how I get on it. Idk. I guess we'll see. 2 more days until my next LIT injections. I have no idea if we'll actually meet with the doc or not on that day. Two weeks later we do the endo scratch.
DH and I have decided to try the Mosie Baby syringe thing this coming cycle for the hell of it. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. We'll see. At this point we figure it's worth a shot. I want to ask my doctor about two things: double insemination, and mildly suppressing my immune system for the next treated cycle. Idk if I'll be asking that Saturday or when I get AF for my treated cycle. I guess I'll find out in a couple days 😂 I went for my first run in a while last night. Felt good, but I'm out of shape. I also upped my weights, I felt like I was lifting air. I'm hoping to lose some weight over the next few weeks. I'm going to go back to doing a modified version of the isagenix, but maybe only one cleanse weekend. Big maybe. I know I can't do it this or next weekend, and then after that I probably won't bc I'll be doing the scratch. I'll likely update after I go in for my LIT, I wonder if it'll be different now that I'm not on antibiotics. 🤔 So, BFN. Still. Tested the last three days and BFN. I'm like just done. I feel so defeated. I really thought maybe this LIT was going to give us a miracle, ha. I told DH I'm at the point that I'm ready to give up entirely. I hate that I have to wait another cycle to do any type of treatment; and I'm more stressed that we likely won't be fling ivf bc my period will never come three days early. Maybe 1, but not three. Would've been perfect to do ivf over winter break. No such luck. I feel so betrayed by my body and feel like God doesn't love me.
Oh well, I do my next LIT Saturday morning, then in two weeks my next endo scratch. I guess on the bright side, I can start running again and up my weights. So, I'm going to test early - I figure it's best to know if I have another CP. Plus I can't wait that long. I'm thinking about things in relation to ivf and days past transfer, so when I hit the equivalent of 5dp5dt, I'll likely test; so on Monday morning I'll start testing. I've been noticing an increase in CM, which I don't know if I've ever experienced in a natural cycle since it's been ages since I've actually gone thru one. I'm also very ravenous, but I've been drinking coffee every morning bc I'm exhausted. I'm really trying to cut the coffee out. I also have created some new jewelry for my business, I'm excited to see if it takes off. One is an ivf (or could be changed to iui) reiki charged beaded bracelet with charms that us ivf girls can appreciate: ivf got this, hope, faith, love, baby dust, pineapple, and little "baby dust" "dust" charms. It comes in amethyst, clear quartz, or Jade. Another is obsidian tassel earrings. And the final is birthstone reiki charged beaded bracelet with zodiac stamp (this one isn't listed yet - I want to make a few more samples before I post it on my shop). I feel like it's very difficult to find ivf things that are not shirts or really call attention to it - as open as I am, it's hard to be super open with it sometimes bc people ask a lot of questions, and some are really dumb and hurtful. And then I feel like people are trying to take advantage of us women at our worse times. That's a big part of why I started to make ivf jewelry, it really started as just for myself, but I'm seeing other women really like it, so I am trying to come up with more designs. I plan to come up with 1-2 New designs by Christmas for ivf, and I also intend to create a miscarriage piece as well. I really miss my would have been baby. I keep thinking of the year in terms of where I would be in my pregnancy, esp as the holidays come bc we were going to make a big announcement with our Christmas cards this year. I sometimes feel I really suffer in silence, esp while I'm put on the sidelines going thru LIT. I just keep hoping it's the magic ticket to give us our THB. I also know that in Dec, I won't be able to do another fresh cycle - that won't happen till Jan, bc I'll miss the ivf cut off by 2-3 days. So we'll have to attempt our first ever iui. I know everything happens for a reason, I just want this to finally lead us to our THB, and soon.
Well I will update when I test, and only 8 more days till my next LIT. You know, I haven't had a real tww in a while. I was just reflecting on the fact that the last time I had a tww was like almost a year ago. I started my fertility treatments in Jan. So this is the first time since that we are actually trying on our own. I forgot how long it is/feels!! With ivf it's really only like 7 days before you can start testing. I need to wait like 11/12 days to start! Good thing the next 2 weeks are crazy busy at work and I gotta get ready for my family coming.
I finally got a positive Opk yesterday. I was getting nervous! I knew I was ovulating tho bc I get cramps during ovulation. It was negative before work, positive after work so that's good.
I am so incredibly exhausted. I've been up late almost every day this week. Last night I stayed up bc I am supervising two research essays and knew they would be finishing up last night. They came out good, I can't wait to see how IB scores them. I am so counting down the days to Thanksgiving break. There is much to look forward to! My parents and sister are coming, our next LIT is the day it starts. I'm excited. And just oh so exhausted. I need the break. My students need the break. I want them refreshed for their presentations. In any event, I'm still hoping that we get pregnant naturally now that I'm doing the LIT. I'm hoping that was the true underlying problem and it's now fixed. Two weeks until we find out! Hoping and praying to be blessed with our rainbow baby. 🙏 🤞 🌈 I haven't ovulated yet, or had my LH surge - that I know of. I didn't start to test until CD 11, so who knows if I missed it. I hate cycles post FET. Everything is off. Not to mention feeling crappy bc you're trying to lose estrogen weight gain. My last FET, I surged on CD 14, so maybe I'll surge on CD 14 this cycle - could be very late on CD 14, bc I did get AF very late - like 11pm this cycle.
I got this thing called PregPrep, I can't really use it by the book because I didn't get it until CD 10, and I was supposed to start it CD 5. So we'll see if it does anything. It's kind of nice to have some time off of treatments, but at the same time, I'm wrestling with feeling like I'm wasting time and just feeling discouraged. This whole thing is just very stressful - I just wish someone could guarantee me that at some point, I'll be holding a baby in my arms. I think that would make me feel a little at ease. It feels really good to be exercising again - it definitely gives me more energy. We're slowly inching towards Thanksgiving break and my next LIT - I swear it feels like an eternity. I feel like I'm living weekend to weekend. I have so much crap due this week at work. A lot of it, I missed while out and haven't been able to meet with anyone to figure out wtf I missed. So it's just craziness. I have meeting after meeting, so my conferences are shot. It needs to be Friday already. Halloween on a Tuesday just throws off the week - it feels like Friday, then you realize it isn't, then the week feels extra long. Oh well, wah wah wah. |
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November 2019
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