I'm in a much better place, I watched The Secret, which always helps pull me up and give me hope when I'm in a dark place.
Anyway, I'm 6 dpo today and yesterday I noticed that my urine smelt odd, it smelt this way when I was pregnant. I'm not trying to get my hopes up, but I noticed that and that I'm overly exhausted and ravenous, but at the same time, my boobs don't hurt and I can write off the exhaustion as due to melatonin. 🤷♀️. I feel like this is really really to get any type of symptoms. When I had my successful transfer, I had these symptoms at 2-3dp5dt which is 7-8dpo, so I feel it's too early at the evening of 5dpo. Whatever, I'm going to test the morning of my scratch anyhow as a precaution. I really am secretly holding out for it to be a BFP, but I just know better. I told DH yesterday that my urine was smelling funny and he got excited, I told him I wish I didn't tell him bc he needs to get his hopes way down low where they aren't existent. He's hopeful bc I'm exhausted and knocked off 6 spicy chicken and cheese tamales, and was still hungry. Amazing how much IF fucks you up to the point that you are afraid to ever be positive or hopeful that pendant can be achieved the OFW. In other news, my scratch is on Tuesday. Looking forward to moving forward. I know for a fact we can get pregnant thru IVF, so I am hopeful. I do plan on asking about the hcg wash (or an hcg booster shot) and maybe being on prednisone. Fingers crossed we are 3rd time lucky 🤞 🙏🙏🙏
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Well, yet another pregnancy announcement. Oh and guess what? They got it on the first fucking try. This just set me over the edge today. I've been borderline suicidal for a couple weeks now, but this just pushed me to where I'm fantasizing about death and the pain just finally stopping.
I just can't anymore. I feel completely defeated and completely worthless. My body repeatedly fails me. Every. Single. Time. I just want the pain to stop. I'm actually considering getting medicated, but apparently it can decrease fertility, so it's likely best I don't. I've spent the entire day crying. I just cannot handle this shit anymore. Like bitch you fucking knew we had back to back miscarriages after multiple ivf attempts and you want to fucking bring this shit up on Christmas?! One that I'm already having a very very difficult time with?!? Fuck 2017. Like seriously fuck it. This has been the absolute worse year of my life. Hands down. My birthday was ruined by a pregnancy announcement, and now my Christmas. I'm done. I'm just going to completely isolate myself from everyone for the next few months. Fuck this shit. I'm sick and tired with dealing with infertility. I'm sick of being on forced breaks. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of constantly having my body fail me. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep most nights. Fuck this. 2018, you better be a better year. I got a positive Opk yesterday on CD 12, and one that looked almost positive this morning on CD 13. I also had ovulation pains that are on my right side.
So the mosie baby:
I guess we'll know in a few days if it was successful or not. Now I'm in the dreaded tww. The good thing is, if it fails, I'm going right into a fresh ivf cycle and I know I can get pregnant on a fresh ivf cycle. So that at least puts me at ease. The holidays suck this year. I've tried to get excited for it, but honestly with the miscarriage looming over me, it's damn near impossible. I just hope 2018 finally brings us a baby and I can feel like myself again. It's CD 11, we haven't used the MB yet.
I'm still finding it hard to truly get into Christmas this year, I've been trying, but it's definitely difficult. All I want is a miracle to give us a child. I'm really just ready for my next ivf. Like bring on the shots! You know, I do ovulate on Christmas this year. I am hoping for a Christmas miracle. It would be so amazing. I've had many orders for my ivf bracelet bundles, I really hope they all have success on their cycles. I still have to get my packages for our families in the mail today - I know, I know, late - very late. It's just been so crazy around here. I'm starting a rather strict diet, I just want to drop off these last few pounds - or at least what I can before the next cycle. I've been running every other to every 3/4 days. I've been hitting 4-7 miles, so I'm very pleased with this. I'll run on Monday again, as I ran yesterday - I might just run on Saturday, we'll see. I've also increased my weight loads for my resistance training from 5-10lbs to 8-20lbs. I haven't been at that since prior to moving after getting married and prior to TTC. This is a big feat for me. And I'm actually really excited that my hard work is paying off. I'm hoping to decrease my bmi to a not overweight range. I'd also like to get into a size 4 again, but that's a bit too ambitious as I'm at a 10. I'll take an 6-8 at this point. I'll update after we use the MB and give my thoughts on it. Until then, I bid you adieu. I've been on HGH for two days already, it does burn when you inject it, much like the ganirelix; however, it only burns while it's going in.
I go back in for my scratch in a couple weeks, then I start a new IVF cycle. Hopefully, 3rd is the lucky charm that gets us our THB. Or maybe we have a Christmas miracle baby? Who knows. I need to start checking for my LH surge in a few days so we can use the mosie baby insemination kit. Only 3 days till winter break - and it can't come soon enough. I'm ready to be out of school. I love my kids, but man, I need a break. I'm hoping we can get away for a couple days, but I'm not sure if we can. Yesterday we integrated all our chickens and turkeys together - it's definitely crazy with all these birds! But they seem to be getting along just fine. I'm still not done Christmas shopping, I have a little bit more I need to attend to; again, I'm really just not feeling Christmas this year. It's been really hard. I have moments of being totally fine, and others where I'm just a wreck. I dread checking the mail bc of Christmas cards and potential announcements. Can't handle it. Sometimes, I feel like I really need a break from life. Well, if I don't get on here before Christmas - there really isn't much to update in natural cycles - Merry Christmas. I'll likely give my thoughts on the mosie baby after we use it, which may very likely be on Christmas.. Christmas miracle perhaps? 🤔 🤞 🙏 Since we're planning on using the mosie baby, I'll just refer to this cycle as MB.
AF came yesterday and was kind of on the light side, I woke up today tho to a murder scene and passed a ton of huge clots. I'm in a lot of pain and cannot take the meds I usually use for relief, so today should be an interesting day. 🙄 I was also forced into a baby shower at work yesterday, this shit it getting ridiculous. It is really hard on me. After, I sat in my car and just cried for a good 10 minutes until leaving to come home. I still can't seem to pull myself into the Christmas spirit, no matter how hard I try. This weekend I start the HGH injections Saturday night, I also have my final LIT treatment. Inching closer to the next ivf cycle. And honestly, I'm ready for it. I always feel like I'm progressing forward with the cycles. I'm going to push to see if we can do a 3 day transfer. I know that 5 is better, but I've heard a lot more success stories here with 3 Day transfers. I also want to have 3 embryos put back in, I will argue that they did 3 blasts on my last FET. I'm hoping the third time is the charm with us getting our THB. Or babies. At this point, I really would kill for twins. I'm ready to be a mother. I'm ready to be up all hours of the night. I'm ready. I'm so sick of hearing people bitch about it or being tied down by their kids. Like how do they not see how incredibly lucky they are?!? I would straight up kill to be in their shoes and completely sleep deprived. Countdowns:
I took tests this morning, all BFN. Just waiting on AF now.
This coming weekend I have another LIT followed by starting HGH the same day. I'm a bit nervous about how my body will react to HGH. My sister is a body builder and she's like you will have such petty muscles 😍... 🤦♀️. I'm like I'm not doing this to look good 😂😂😂, if that's a nice little by product, I'm ok with it. In reality, I do need to lose a bit more weight bc of all the ivf drugs, more so the FET ones. I actually ran 7.35 miles yesterday, I'm super excited because I haven't done that in years - seriously TTC just really took me out of the more intense exercise I used to do in fear of messing something up. I am hurting a bit today tho, but I still did it, and that is awesome. I think it's because I've been really building up muscle into my legs again, so I really don't get tired while running. I'll keep up the exercise until I have to start really modifying it about stim Day 2. But that's like over a month away. This whole journey just sucks. Had a couple more pregnancy announcements come out. I'm just not handling them well. Esp when the people didn't want kids, and oops they get to have one. I really thought we would've gotten pregnant again already. This sucks the big one. We looked into surrogacy - way too expensive; adoption - also expensive, but more so, you have to agree to adopt an older child while waiting for a younger one at many places. I'm sorry, but I want an infant or up to two years old, after that I'm not very comfortable. I'm really heartbroken over all of this. All we want is a child. We are open to embryo adoption, that is definitely much more cost effective and I like the idea of it, I really do. We're both more comfortable with that. We're also now open to donor eggs, but DH is concerned that it won't be mine biologically - and I reminded him, adoption isn't ours biologically. If we do end up with our own children and have a daughter, I will definitely encourage her to freeze her eggs while she is in her early 20s. This is the worse pain, hands down. Well, here's to paying for our miracle to come our way soon. 🙏🙏🙏🙏 Well, yesterday didn't quite pan out as I had expected.
I had my scratch, then met with the doctor.
Our plan is to try using the mosie baby this coming cycle. Who knows maybe it'll help. I know we likely would've been rushed no matter what this cycle because everything would've fallen at Christmas. It's also probably best that were pulling out all the stops for this upcoming cycle. I really need to trust in whatever God is doing right now. |
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November 2019
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