Baseline good. Starting letrazole today, then 3 days of merional. I go back on CD 12 for a lining and follicle check. Hoping this works. 🤞 🙏
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AF arrived earlier than I anticipated, usually it shows up 4 days after stopping PIO; however, this time, it showed up 2 days after.
I go in for CD 2 scan tomorrow and start! Fingers crossed this one is THE one. 🤞 OK, so we have 4 ❄️ babies.
We are going to do a course of antibiotics both orally, and vaginally. Letrazole - low stim with possible IUI of only have 1-2 eggs. I'm really happy with this. I hope it works. 🤞 now to wait for CD 2. I go back into the Doctor today to retest and figure out our next steps. Hoping we can roll right into a new FET cycle, and extra hoping he'll agree to trying an iui during the cycle as well to encourage implantation (study from Israel is posted in my initial beta post).
Last night, I had a break down. I'm finding it very difficult to remain positive, and even more difficult to want to continue on. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just wish someone could tell us this ends with us finally having a healthy baby. I avoid sex. I feel so broken and feel so strongly that it's just a reminder of my short coming. I feel like less than a woman. Our bodies are made to bare children, yet I keep failing at it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm having such a hard time keeping faith/hope alive. I really question whether or not I believe in God at this point. I just don't know. We've had 3 failed transfers since the one that resulted in a miscarriage. I truly believed that we were going to get pregnant again right after, and have that baby. I really did. To go a full year without success is so f-ing damning. It's like a knife twisted in my heart. I think this is what completely broke me. I truly had faith that it would work out, and it hasn't. I'm back to being infertile. Back to failing, pushed to feeling completely broken. I don't know if I can pick up the pieces anymore. My life for a year and a half has just surrounded fertility treatments, appointments, shots, ultrasounds, blood draws. I need to get off this damn ride. Like I need a damn vacation. I've taken up drinking to somewhat dull the pain. Weightlifting to try to push through. I just don't know anymore. I have 4 embryos left. That's 2 transfers. If they both fail I don't know what to do. I can't fathom them both failing. I don't know how I pick up after 5 failed transfers in a row. I'm hoping that from the new embryos, at least one of them is hatching. I just need to hear some good news. I just hope the next transfer works. I'm getting to where I don't even care if it ends in another mc, I just want to know it is possible, and maybe my body will get it right the next time. Idk. I don't want to endure another mc, hut at the same time, I want to know my body isn't completely fucked up. Scratch that, I guess failure is better than mc. I can't lose another baby, it'll ruin me. I'll update after I meet with the doctor and figure out what's going to happen next. One more day of shots. That's it. I go into the doctor tomorrow; we are leaving super early.
I weighed myself this morning 🥁🥁🥁🥁 138.2!!! This makes me super happy, as I might hit my goal after all. Goal? I have decided upon a couple goals for the next few weeks leading up to what I'm hoping will be my next FET.
I just want it to be tomorrow already so we can figure out next steps with our doctor, not knowing has made the last three days rather difficult. Going in today for blood test aka beta.
Hoping the doc is in so we can discuss next steps. I would like to ask him if we can do this: FET w/ IUI. This looks like a really promising prospect, and I'm hoping that my doctor will agree to this. My sister has suggested for me to start considering massage therapy, and I have to say, I think I agree. I sometimes wonder if I fear another miscarriage so much that I can't relax enough to let a pregnancy occur. Who knows? In any event, I will update later. I haven't tested in a couple days; however, I'm assuming this is going to be an official BFN because it was negative at 8dp5dt. At 6dp5dt, I did see very very very very faint BFP on two wondfo tests, but alas, it was negative the next day, and the day after. I haven't tested since, there was no reason to do so. For the time being, I'm going to focus on two things:
UPDATE: Official BFN. Doc wasn't in, so I need to go back on Wednesday for a second beta and to see him. I didn't bother testing today, my tests have been BFN; no point in seeing it every day. I also don't feel anything. I did start working out again yesterday.
So, we'll go in tomorrow for our pregnancy test; it is two days early, but with DH's work schedule, it's necessary. We'll likely wait 4 days and test again, because that's my clinic's policy if you aren't bleeding, which I'm not. Here is what makes me somewhat hopeful: We'll be attempting another natural FET (assuming we get the green light). This means, that for the first time - assuming we'll actually get to transfer - we'll actually have a true shot at implanting our "second string" embryos; the ones that aren't "pretty" enough to get picked the first time around, yet somehow, some way, when people do PGS testing, those "ugly" embryos tend to actually be the genetically sound ones. Yes, I have had a couple attempts at FETs; however, the medication from a traditional FET usually made me very ill, and likely killed our chances during both cycles. So, I am actually slightly hopeful about this coming attempt. I'll update tomorrow after my appointment. Today, I had a BFN. I'm assuming this cycle failed. Not really feeling much, if anything. I'm ready to move on from this.
Symptoms:
And that's all. Just sore boobs, that's it. I really do feel this failed, but I'm oddly OK. Like I'm upset, but OK. I need to find out if my doctor allows back to back fresh cycles.
Symptoms:
I also think I feel my cervix opening. So, yeah. We're going to go in a day or two earlier to have the official test done due to DH work. I'm fairly unsymptomatic today. So I'm assuming this failed. The trigger is fully out of my system, so we'll at least know it's real if we do get a BFP.
Symptoms:
7 days till OTD. |
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November 2019
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