I had a couple more blood draws with a MFM specialist. So, I'm waiting on those. I should have those results on the 12th of September. Part of me is afraid we just opened Pandora's box, but I guess I also just want to rule more things out you know? I don't want to go thru a miscarriage again.
In other news, I'm doing a 30 day weight loss cleanse diet thru Isagenix. The weight gain from a year and some of hormones has taken a toll on my body and the weight is near impossible to lose no matter how much I diet or more much I exercise. Not to mention, too much on my smaller frame. I'm 150lbs. WTF?! I've honestly nerve been so heavy in my life. Until TTC and taking round of Clomid, ivf, the max I weighed was 125 with the freshman 15 in college. My goal is to drop 10-20 lbs before my next transfer which is coming really soon once AF comes in about 2 weeks or so. I have O pains currently, so I know I'm either O'ing right now, or about to. My luteal phase is always 14 days exactly. So pretty much a couple days after the genetic test and additional clotting tests come back. I am thinking about creating a separate page about that diet to blog about how I feel on it and the success with it. My plan is to start Saturday or Friday. Time will tell, when it atarrives at my doorstep 😬😬😬😬😬😬
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We've decided that when AF comes again we are going to start the FET process. I'm excited to move forward. Honestly, that keeps me very sane. I also touched base with my supervisor with what my plans are as and they're being super supportive, which is really important to me and will make this easier.
I've been feeling a sense of calmness and an inner knowing that it's going to work and we'll have a baby in our arms by the end of 2018. The good thing is that I've been taking coq10 and so has DH, so if we need to pursue a fresh cycle, it's been in our systems for a couple months. I'm hoping and praying that this will all happen soon, and I've had a renewed sense of thinking. It takes the average couple about 6 months to conceive, we conceived on our 3rd transfer - I'm thinking of this as like the third month, maybe we get pregnant on our fourth transfer with our snow babies. If not that's ok, I really think the next cycle would be successful - we're really taking measures to ensure cellular health. Only time can really tell what will happen. I'm not tracking my cycle right now. If AF shows up next week, then I didn't have AF yet (like suspected), if it shows up later, then we consider that the second cycle and go! Yesterday we went to our post op follow up, which I was kind of, but not really, looking forward to getting some answers. The company that does the test touts more than 99% return of results, well lucky for me, we fell into the less than 1% that didn't get answers. So, we're inconclusive, not enough tissue perhaps. I honestly don't know what could be worse, hearing normal or inconclusive. The Obgyn said we can go to a geneticist if we want, but it isn't necessary bc that's only like 5% of miscarriages. Honestly, at this point, I just want to rule everything out.
I have to contact my RE today and see what we do now. I knew what we would do if it came back normal or abnormal, but not inconclusive. I just want to get pregnant with our rainbow baby soon. This whole ordeal sucks completely. And to boot, in not sure if I have my period or not, Obgyn said we could count it as one Bc I started bleeding but now spotting. The spotting/bleeding/light bleeding has been going on for a week, so maybe. Tomorrow I will begin exercising again, I'm really happy about this. I also got my milk grotto powder from Jerusalem! I'm excited to see if it gives us our miracle baby. I guess time will tell what will Happen. I'll give a little update when I talk to my RE today. It's been almost 2 weeks past miscarriage and I'm starting to feel better. Though I really do attribute this to the brain scanning my acupuncturist did that is supposed to cure depression. I feel without this treatment I'd still be a complete mess. Plus praying like twice a day has helped as well.
Thursday I go for my post DNC check up, I'm hoping they have the results from the baby. I just want to know wtf went wrong. And then, what my next steps are.
I'm trying to be really positive for the future and honestly, I do feel really good about my chances now. I know of many women who battled infertility and then became fertile Myrtle. Happened to like all the women in my mom's dad's side of the family including my mother. So I'm hoping it turns that way for me. Since I do tend to take after that side. There are days I feel really good about getting pregnant on our own, and if not, we still have our 3 frozen embryos left. So it's all good. It's going to be fine. I really believe this. I went to work for the first time since the miscarriage and it was much worse than I thought it would be. There are a ton of women pregnant at work, and of course I get to be stuck with them. Isn't that fucking marvelous?
The minute anyone asks how my summer was or how I was, I either broke down crying and just let it out, or tried to squash down the emotions and give one word answers and run off. It is horrible. I came home during lunch and sobbed for 15 minutes straight. I cannot handle these emotions and the pain of the loss and the fear of the future. I have never in my life felt so alone and in so much emotional anguish. I have zero support. I have no one to talk to. I feel so isolated and desolate. I have no support system in place and that is making this that much more difficult to handle. I need to find something to do as an outlet to help with grieving. I have no one to talk to but my husband and a therapist that I can't really afford to talk to more than once a month. I am basically counting down days between acupuncture appointments, therapy appointments, and weekends. I literally live days to days. It is just a mess. Then I'll live doc visit to doc visit for more fertility treatments. I still just can't seem to move forward. I would never wish this shit on my worst enemy. Today is the day after the DNC. It sucks. I still feel pregnant, I cry all the time, I can't get my emotions and anxiety under control. I know I still need an extra day prior to going back to work (probably more like 2 weeks).
The pain I feel is horrible. The worst thing I've ever known. Only 2 people told me they were sorry for my loss, only two people acknowledged that I lost my child. The recovery nurse and my doctor. The nurse told me it's OK to grieve and she's sorry for my loss and that it's still my child and to not let anyone down play that. I needed to hear that. I really needed to hear that. I spent most of my day wishing I could die to be with my child. The pain is horrible. I cannot wrap my head around it and I cannot make sense of it. I need to understand this and I can't. I want God to show me why this happened. I cannot comprehend this. And honestly, dealing with IF and then going thru this makes it horrific bc you have a LARGER array of anxieties than someone who hasn't undergone IF and fertility treatments. Yes, I'm glad to know I can get pregnant, I really am, but now I fear it will take months to years before I can conceive again and I fear going thru another loss. I wish I could get pregnant easily, I really wish I could, but I can't seem to. It took almost 4 years with two ivf cycles on my third transfer before we finally conceived. Idk if it's even a remote possibility I can get pregnant again or even on my own. I know I should be happy I have three more embryos left, I know I should be grateful and having faith in that, but it's damn near impossible. I know I won't be moving forward with my FET until Oct/Nov assuming the embryo was abnormal and my period comes soon so I can have my mandatory menstrual cycle to move forward. We can try naturally after AF shows, so we can attempt one month on our own. I'm not holding my breath on that month. However, if it comes back as normal, then we undergo a series of tests after AF shows up to see why my body rejected a healthy baby. Idk when I will ever feel normal again, or even close to it. Right now I feel completely numb or severely depressed. I keep hoping and praying that we will get pregnant in the very near future with our rainbow baby 🌈. Hoping it's before Christmas. The holidays are truly going to be hard bc we were planning to do an official announcement with our Christmas cards this year, I just still can't believe it. Here's to hoping and praying for a miracle rainbow baby to be conceived before the year ends. 🙏 🌈 Today we met with the RE and the Obgyn.
RE- No heartbeat, wants the baby tested to see if it was abnormal or normal. If abnormal, we can move forward after one menstrual cycle. If normal, further testing to see why the baby miscarried - checking to see if my body is fighting my husband or the baby, and do treatments/antibiotics for a couple months before FET. Obgyn - D&C tomorrow morning, testing of the embryo, follow up to discuss results in 2 weeks. This is still surreal, I spend most of the day crying still. Not sure when I'll ever feel somewhat normal again. But I do need to go back to work in a couple days, and I'm really not OK. So, I should be 8 weeks pregnant; however, today we went in to see a maternal fetal specialist because my Obgyn felt there was something off in my ultrasound yesterday. We got the horrible news that the baby's heart had stopped in less than 12 hours and we need to decide on how we want to proceed.
I am shocked and completely devastated. I've spent the last few hours crying or sleeping. Tomorrow we go to see our re to just get a general feel for what happens next after miscarriage, followed by an appointment with my Obgyn, likely to schedule the D&C. I really thought this was for real, not to be taken from us. I know I still have 3 embryos and of course I'm now terrified they are going to be bad too. Statistically, 1-2 of these 5 total should be perfectly fine and healthy. And I know, yes, it's good to know we can finally get pregnant; however, that doesn't make this loss any easier abs anytime I hear that statement I legit want to punch someone out. I'll update briefly tomorrow. If you pray, please keep us in your prayers. This is by far the worse day of my life. |
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November 2019
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