I broke and tested, mainly and ultimately because of the cervical pain I felt, which signals AF is on her way.
I did 3 tests to be safe, and all 3 are completely stark white, not even a squinter. I don't really know where we go from here. The big daddy of all fertility treatments failed, twice. 4 embryos decided I wasn't worthy of them, how do you pick up from here? I really don't know. I have no clue what to ask the doctor, I have no idea how another fresh cycle could produce success, and then you hope somehow, someway that you'll fall pregnant naturally during the break between. We won't be able to do another fresh cycle until June, which is frustrating and sad. I will not be going back to visit family this summer because I will be tied up in fertility treatments. I feel super isolated and alone. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? Maybe next time we'll have great embryos and those great embryos will work in the fresh cycle and then the frozen so we can have more than one without worrying too much? Who knows. I honestly wish I had something to talk to about this that isn't my husband that gets what I'm feeling, but I don't. I legit have no one who knows the pain of failed ivf cycles with no children. Everyone else that we have met that used ivf, all have children and the second cycle worked. But not us, no, we failed. They all got almost 10 years on us too. I don't know. Even more compounding is how the adoption of a new dog fell thru, and a jerk stealing my dress right from my porch. I can't. No really I can't. I just need a vacation, from life. It's been so horrible, everyone around us is pregnant, and we're still struggling, 42 cycles and counting.
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Well, I'm still between yes it worked and no it didn't. I know there's nothing I can do but just wait and see. I think I felt my cervix but not really sure, when I say this I mean all the scar tissue I have I get to feel it ripping open before AF and ovulation-good times. It isn't near as intense as normal, so hopefully just my cervix engorging with blood because we're finally pregnant.
I don't really know if I have symptoms, I mean all that I feel is:
And that's really it, nothing crazy. I have 4 more days until blood test, seems short but so long. I really don't want to test before and I have no desire to, why? Who knows, just don't. I think it's because I just have no control over the outcome. It worked or it didn't. I don't completely feel like it failed like I did this time last time around, so hopefully that's a sign. And honestly, I've seen women on the boards finally get pregnant and miscarry 2 weeks later, I guess I'd rather be spared the heartache, but then again, would be nice to know we actually can get pregnant. I have such a headache right now, but that's likely due to the fact I've been playing Zelda and watching TV to keep my mind occupied. Love to think it was hormones, but I know it's really explained as I'm prone to eye strain headaches. I just keep praying and asking God for a sign, I think I might've got one yesterday, some dipshit stole my new dress (it was super cute and cold be a date night dress or work dress) from my porch behind the burglar bars, so maybe it's God's way of saying, you're pregnant and it isn't going to fit. One can hope right? |
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November 2019
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