Today I'm 5dpo and 4dpiui. Tomorrow, I start the progesterone.
I'm still exercising, dropped my weights pretty low, lowering intensity slightly - no jump kicks. I box/do mma for exercise along with weights. That's why I'm just cutting back slightly. I also cut abdominal work. I've been crampy on and off. My body does feel a bit run down, which I really dislike. I'll start testing in 4 days. My hopes aren't High, but I do hope that this could've worked. If I start feeling like I got kicked in the lower abdomen upon waking in the next day or two, I'll feel really positive. When I was pregnant, I felt like that every single morning. Time will tell.
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So, I'm 3dpiui and 4dpo. If this was ivf, my transfer would be tomorrow.
I've been crampy on and off since the iui. Nothing terrible, but a little. Part of me is so sickeningly hopeful, but the rest of me is completely terrified to even go there. It's hard. We've been through so much failure and pain in the last 4.5 years, that it's hard to even try to think positively. I was going to take some enzymes to possibly help implantation for a couple days - that is of course IF the egg was even fertilized to begin with. I also plan to test from 9/10dpo until AF, really for the hell of it. Also, because IF (there's that word again) there is ANY hint of a chemical pregnancy, I want to know about it. I have what seems like unlimited wondfo tests, and 4 FRER tests. So we'll see. 🤞 I'm 1dpIUI and 2dpo. The horrible feeling from ovulation has finally subsided, and the cramping from the iui has also subsided.
I was told not to drink, smoke, swim, lift weights, or exercise; however, I decided to live a normal life the next couple weeks. I'm going to continue to exercise, I'm also going to continue to just be normal. If I want a glass of wine, I'll have one. If I want a mixed drink, I'll have one. I will drop weight loads and maybe lower impact, but I'm going to just focus on normalcy. I will adhere to the swimming thing, but because of the fact that I just did two antibiotic courses in case of infection and swimming does increase risk of infection. I am not sure if the iui itself was done too late, which means my chances of it having worked are really low anyhow. No point in pinning everything on it. I ate like shit the last two days and have been lazy, mostly from the pain. I didn't exercise in two days because of the pain. Today I start exercising again. Yay! Not sure if I'll update with much, I mean it's not like an embryo transfer, so I don't know. We'll see. I'm not even sure when I will start testing, or if I will. There is no trigger to test out because I didn't trigger. So I guess at least if I get any positive of any kind, I'll know it's true. 🤷♀️ I don't even know when most people get a positive from iui, I know with embryo transfer it's between 5-7dp5dt. With iui I have no idea. 5-7dp5dt is the equivalent of 10-12dpo, so maybe I'll start testing at 9dpo just for shits and giggles, which would be 8dpiui. So in a week. We'll see. I had my first ever iui today. It is weird. It doesn't really hurt, but I cramped a lot after in the lay down period.
Doc said sperm was good, gave me an ultrasound picture of the sperm in my uterus, said good luck, and sent me on my way. I start progesterone tablets in a few days. I know the chances are slim, but I still hope maybe. So, after 2 years off fertility treatments, we're doing our first IUI because I spontaneously ovulated. As a direct result, the embryo transfer was cancelled. The kicker: my lining was "perfect" and trilaminar.
There are no words to explain my shock, and slight frustration. I have no idea why this happened. The worse part: I know that I likely only ovulated 1 egg, but I feel like I had an egg retrieval. So I don't know what's going to happen. I know it's a really low chance this will even work, but at least it's better than trying on our own. I guess 8% is better than like 2%. They say God has a plan, I'd like to know wtf that is exactly. I'm in this really weird state of shock, frustration, and slight hope(?). Shock because, I definitely did not see this unfolding. Frustration because I really wanted to get another transfer in in the summer when school was out, AND an embryo transfer next cycle is a wash because my transfer will fall the first week of school; that's a week I really can't - and won't - miss as a teacher. It's the most important week of the year. So if this fails, no FET until two cycles from now. I'll likely see if we can try another IUI that cycle, because like I said: better than trying on our own. Slight hope because we've never done this before, so who knows. We skipped this step. It is also forcing my body to have a break before another stab at a frozen transfer. At times I wonder if we were meant to have a child like this all along. I don't know. Wishful thinking I guess. I have no idea what's supposed to help this work, or increase odds. I've planned to just go about my normal life. I know all the tales with IVF, not IUI. I guess I can continue to focus on losing weight. I am going to drop my weights a bit just as a precaution though after IUI. I'll probably write a post after iui to talk about what it's like. Please work, please work, please work, please work. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 I go in for a check today. Except, there's potentially a problem: I had my LH surge. I have no idea what this means. As soon as I realized it was a possibility, we rushed over to the doc, doc wasn't there, nurses said to come in tomorrow, which is our appointment. So, I guess I'll know after I see the Doctor. I just hope and pray the cycle isn't cancelled.
I'll update when I see the Doctor. UPDATE: I ovulated, and because we don't know when progesterone started, we cannot do the transfer. However, we're doing an iui. With one egg. I guess we'll see what happens. First IUI tomorrow. Today is my last day of merional, and my second to last day of the antibiotics. The antibiotics have been making me extremely dizzy.
I go back in on Tuesday, of course I'm getting worried about ovulating early, so I checked last night, and will continue to check until I go in. I've been crampy - which really concerns me. Not sure if it's due to exercise (I've been working my stomach muscles pretty hard), or like actual cramps, which of course has me worried, because I don't want fluid in my uterus again. I know at the end of the day, it is what it is, and what's meant to be will. Nothing I can really do to change it. The only thing I have control over is how much I move, and what I put in my mouth. I've been so lazy and binge watching Suits on Prime. Today, I start going for walks at night. I finally have my one dogs special collar (the halt-t, it keeps her head straight and when you correct her it moves the head away from the distraction), which I need to control her. I just really needed a few days to be lazy. The letrazole made me so tired and unmotivated. It was horrible. I finally have some energy back. I probably will hold off till Tuesday to update, there really isn't much to know before that. I've been on antibiotics for a few days now - both orally and vaginally - I think they're making me dizzy as hell. Every time I get up, the room spins. Aside from that, I'm doing OK.
I had a brilliant idea of binging on ice cream yesterday, so I feel rather craptastic today. Aside from that, I'm keeping with my exercise routine; I even traded my boxing for a nice run yesterday. The run was a result of being triggered yesterday. When you deal with infertility, you have a lot of triggers, things you never thought of before trigger you. Like one of mine is the thought of going back home to visit family. Just the thought of doing so creates a very large sense of anxiety, fear, and stress. Then it brings a guilt factor. It's a horrible feeling. Anxiety of being constantly asked when we're having kids, stress of dealing with other people's kids, fear of being told the same relax bullshit, or it takes one, or have you considered fertility treatments. Not to mention the guilt of wanting to be selfish and left alone because I cannot handle it. DH and I have decided that we are not going back until we have children. It's too much. This triggered me so bad yesterday that I actually couldn't calm down. I wanted to pack my bags and run until I was farther away from "home" and collapsed some place. After the miscarriage - and some days I still lapse - it took an extremely long time to be able to semi function in life. People don't understand that loss unless they've been there, and they truly don't get loss on top of infertility. I have developed a drinking problem. It's how I've been able to cope. I drink at night so I can just sleep. I'm not drinking heavily, but I do drink 1-2 glasses of wine every night. Many days, I strongly consider buying cigarettes again. I smoked on and off since my teens until right before my 30th. Sometimes I think maybe that'll calm me down enough to function, since you can't just drink all the time. I literally have no one to talk to that gets it. I have never felt so alone and isolated in my life. I have 4 embryos left. We'll transfer 2 this cycle. I have no idea if it'll work or not. I also don't know how much more of this I can physically, emotionally, and mentally endure. I'm not sure I can handle another failed cycle. With each failure, I fall deeper into a dark abyss. It gets harder to push forward - even for someone who is known to be a fighter. I keep saying to myself: "Get knocked down 7 times, get up 8." I just don't think I can get back up if this fails. 😔 So, during FET cycles, there really isn't much day to day to report.
I'm 4 days into my letrozole, it is making me utterly exhausted. I'm finding it really difficult to accomplish my daily goals without a second or third cup of coffee. I know I got migraines last time, I have been getting headaches later in the day, but the exhaustion is killing me. Tomorrow I start 3 doses of merional 75ui every other day. In other news, I weighed myself this morning, I'm at 136.8 lbs, so just inching closer. I'm so glad to be safely under 140 lbs. I also got a set of 25#dumbbells yesterday to start using for squats and leg presses, as well as, dead lifts. I'm really hoping this has a positive impact on this cycle. I'm also doing massage therapy; had a Swedish massage last week, and I'm having a Myopractic massage this week. I also plan to do hot stone massage before transfer. I'm really pulling out all the stops with this transfer to get it to work. Tonight I start my vaginal antibiotic. Fun times. Just really hoping this works. 🤞 🙏 |
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November 2019
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