I still don't have spotting, so I'm still taking all meds, I also haven't tested yet, as I was instructed to test Monday. I may test tomorrow morning for the hell of it. I did have a dream I took a test and it said 4.5 hcg in my system, and I turned to my husband in my dream and was like babe, it's 4.5, we got to wait two days and try again it looks hopeful. So weird.
In any event, I'm going to start a running program, begin lifting again, and when my stomach calms Down, start eating again. My ibs decided to start full swing, I haven't eaten more than a slice of toast per day in 3 days 🙄. I'm hungry. Before this, I had 2 times when it was this bad: when I was first diagnosed 9 years ago, and about 6 years ago - I dropped a ton of weight both times, so maybe this is a small blessing. I went from about 120 to 145 in 3 years while trying to conceive, but I also had really really insanely high stress level from a beyond toxic work environment for 2 years, so I'm thinking that maybe played a role. I've been noticing that I really don't have a support network, at all. I have no one that can relate to me; and people I did talk to, I can see their eyes rolling backwards when I talk about my cycles, so I Just stopped and currently feel extremely and entirely isolated. IF sucks to begin with, but it sucks even more when you are alone. I see myself pulling away from people I considered friends, bc the support isn't there, I sense the annoyance that they feel if I try to talk about it, because I need to get it out, I cannot hold it all in. It's sad really. And people who I did know who also had IF at one point stopped talking to me upon becoming successful in pregnancy. It just amazes me, and then one actually had the audacity to judge me about going thru IVF, I'm sorry but yes, while you may easily become pregnant and had recurrent miscarriage, I'm just trying to get to the frigging first part - seriously?! I wouldn't leave someone behind like that, I just can't bring myself to be that person. I know I have DH, but I can't always unload on him. Lots of the boards are either: ridiculously optimistic bc it's the first time they're doing it, or full of bitter women. When I say I feel alone and isolated, I mean it - completely. Since I was on activity restrictions, I've been zoning out in video games like a kid, just because I needed to fill a void or time. Once I can workout again, after testing Monday, I'll be doing that - that always helps me. I don't get to talk to or see my one close friend much anymore bc of work, that doesn't help. I scheduled a holistic therapy session for next week, those generally help me, but again, I'm paying someone to talk to me. Very sad when I think about it. I did purchase Circle + Bloom both natural and IVF programs. I figure I have 2 months off, I'll do the natural one for the hell of it, I know I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting pregnant naturally (thank you cervix for making sure sperm shall not pass), but hey miracles can happen, my mom and dad got lucky after 7 years and had my sister and I almost back to back. Who knows what is to come, just need to keep occupied between now and my hysteroscopy.
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November 2019
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