Today is the day after the DNC. It sucks. I still feel pregnant, I cry all the time, I can't get my emotions and anxiety under control. I know I still need an extra day prior to going back to work (probably more like 2 weeks).
The pain I feel is horrible. The worst thing I've ever known. Only 2 people told me they were sorry for my loss, only two people acknowledged that I lost my child. The recovery nurse and my doctor. The nurse told me it's OK to grieve and she's sorry for my loss and that it's still my child and to not let anyone down play that. I needed to hear that. I really needed to hear that. I spent most of my day wishing I could die to be with my child. The pain is horrible. I cannot wrap my head around it and I cannot make sense of it. I need to understand this and I can't. I want God to show me why this happened. I cannot comprehend this. And honestly, dealing with IF and then going thru this makes it horrific bc you have a LARGER array of anxieties than someone who hasn't undergone IF and fertility treatments. Yes, I'm glad to know I can get pregnant, I really am, but now I fear it will take months to years before I can conceive again and I fear going thru another loss. I wish I could get pregnant easily, I really wish I could, but I can't seem to. It took almost 4 years with two ivf cycles on my third transfer before we finally conceived. Idk if it's even a remote possibility I can get pregnant again or even on my own. I know I should be happy I have three more embryos left, I know I should be grateful and having faith in that, but it's damn near impossible. I know I won't be moving forward with my FET until Oct/Nov assuming the embryo was abnormal and my period comes soon so I can have my mandatory menstrual cycle to move forward. We can try naturally after AF shows, so we can attempt one month on our own. I'm not holding my breath on that month. However, if it comes back as normal, then we undergo a series of tests after AF shows up to see why my body rejected a healthy baby. Idk when I will ever feel normal again, or even close to it. Right now I feel completely numb or severely depressed. I keep hoping and praying that we will get pregnant in the very near future with our rainbow baby 🌈. Hoping it's before Christmas. The holidays are truly going to be hard bc we were planning to do an official announcement with our Christmas cards this year, I just still can't believe it. Here's to hoping and praying for a miracle rainbow baby to be conceived before the year ends. 🙏 🌈
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November 2019
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