I go back into the Doctor today to retest and figure out our next steps. Hoping we can roll right into a new FET cycle, and extra hoping he'll agree to trying an iui during the cycle as well to encourage implantation (study from Israel is posted in my initial beta post).
Last night, I had a break down. I'm finding it very difficult to remain positive, and even more difficult to want to continue on. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just wish someone could tell us this ends with us finally having a healthy baby. I avoid sex. I feel so broken and feel so strongly that it's just a reminder of my short coming. I feel like less than a woman. Our bodies are made to bare children, yet I keep failing at it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm having such a hard time keeping faith/hope alive. I really question whether or not I believe in God at this point. I just don't know. We've had 3 failed transfers since the one that resulted in a miscarriage. I truly believed that we were going to get pregnant again right after, and have that baby. I really did. To go a full year without success is so f-ing damning. It's like a knife twisted in my heart. I think this is what completely broke me. I truly had faith that it would work out, and it hasn't. I'm back to being infertile. Back to failing, pushed to feeling completely broken. I don't know if I can pick up the pieces anymore. My life for a year and a half has just surrounded fertility treatments, appointments, shots, ultrasounds, blood draws. I need to get off this damn ride. Like I need a damn vacation. I've taken up drinking to somewhat dull the pain. Weightlifting to try to push through. I just don't know anymore. I have 4 embryos left. That's 2 transfers. If they both fail I don't know what to do. I can't fathom them both failing. I don't know how I pick up after 5 failed transfers in a row. I'm hoping that from the new embryos, at least one of them is hatching. I just need to hear some good news. I just hope the next transfer works. I'm getting to where I don't even care if it ends in another mc, I just want to know it is possible, and maybe my body will get it right the next time. Idk. I don't want to endure another mc, hut at the same time, I want to know my body isn't completely fucked up. Scratch that, I guess failure is better than mc. I can't lose another baby, it'll ruin me. I'll update after I meet with the doctor and figure out what's going to happen next.
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November 2019
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