I went to work for the first time since the miscarriage and it was much worse than I thought it would be. There are a ton of women pregnant at work, and of course I get to be stuck with them. Isn't that fucking marvelous?
The minute anyone asks how my summer was or how I was, I either broke down crying and just let it out, or tried to squash down the emotions and give one word answers and run off. It is horrible. I came home during lunch and sobbed for 15 minutes straight. I cannot handle these emotions and the pain of the loss and the fear of the future. I have never in my life felt so alone and in so much emotional anguish. I have zero support. I have no one to talk to. I feel so isolated and desolate. I have no support system in place and that is making this that much more difficult to handle. I need to find something to do as an outlet to help with grieving. I have no one to talk to but my husband and a therapist that I can't really afford to talk to more than once a month. I am basically counting down days between acupuncture appointments, therapy appointments, and weekends. I literally live days to days. It is just a mess. Then I'll live doc visit to doc visit for more fertility treatments. I still just can't seem to move forward. I would never wish this shit on my worst enemy.
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November 2019
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